Thursday, September 18, 2014

Nuclear Nonsense

It's Thursday and I still haven't posted anything. My idiopathic insomnia is out to get me this week and I feel like I can barely even type this coherently. The past 2 weeks I've gotten a total of...22 hours of interrupted sleep? Maybe 23, if I round up.

This calls for a classic blog post (sounds so much nicer than rerun, right?)

*****

Remember Nuke the baby? (Click here if you missed it)(Ooh, and click if you didn't read the comments! There are some hilarious ones!)

Sadly, Sexy Nerd's nuclear weapon obsession doesn't end with our imaginary baby. What is it with guys and weapons? He came home from work the other day completely psyched up about the cool models he'd purchased. Carefully, he peeled back a layer of bubble wrap and displayed, quite proudly, what looked like a paper towel roll that someone had attached bits of paper to and spray painted silver (okay, maybe not quite like that, but pretty darn close!)

"It's an actual model of a nuclear bomb," he exclaimed!

Then, he unwrapped the other. He had actually purchased 2 of these bizarre stainless steel paperweights. Apparently, they were both different designs. They looked almost identical, at least close enough to make do with only 1 model, but Sexy Nerd says there are "big differences".

"Don't get mad," he said (don't you just love when sentences start like that?) "This one was $45."

To which I, of course, replied "YOU PAID $45 FOR A STUPID METAL ROCKET?!"

"It's not a rocket, it's a bomb! This other one was $70."

Has your jaw hit the floor over there yet? Slightly less-Sexy Nerd then explained that everyone in his department at work had bought them, that he had big plans to build an elaborate display case for them, and that there are other models to collect. He said, "The guy we bought them from had lots of other designs in the back of his car."

 He looks so normal, right?

Oh my. Sexy Nerd, I love you, but my goodness. And, no, Nuke is no name for a person. What if he grew up to be a hippie? None of the other hippies would ever take him seriously.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Puffy

After my crown lengthening surgery on Thursday morning, I went straight home to rest in bed with an ice pack over my sliced and diced mouth. When the ice pack provided by the dental office began to warm, I replaced it with a bag of frozen corn. 20 minutes on. 20 minutes off. In other words, I was a model patient.

Immediately after the procedure, I expected that I'd be a bloody, disfigured mess, unfit to be seen by anyone other than the very bravest people. Actually though, I looked almost normal, with the exception of my fancy new teeth - an improvement. I was pleasantly surprised!

Sexy Nerd came home from work several hours later. Excited to show off my beautiful new smile, I asked him how I looked.

 Him: You look pretty good, considering.

 Me: Considering they hacked off the bone and gum from 6 teeth?

 Him: Considering all the gauze stuffed in your mouth.

 Me, with what I'm sure was a look of complete horror: There's no gauze.

In the 10+ years we've been together, Sexy Nerd has never been the nurturing type (if you don't think I'm giving him enough credit, read this.) However, he stopped what he was doing, ran downstairs, and was back with a fresh ice pack within moments.


Later, he brought me dinner in bed.

It was crunchy and acidic and comprised of basically everything on my DO NOT EAT OR YOU'LL DIE post-op care instructions, but a nice gesture nonetheless.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Recovering from Crown Lengthening Surgery

This feels like a good weekend for relaxing in bed, eating soft foods, and catching up on The Simpsons.

Remember a few months ago when I was opposed to having crown lengthening surgery? I had the *awesome* dental procedure performed yesterday. They removed the gum and the bone from around 6 teeth - more bone than they were expecting!

You can see some of the stitches. Yay!

Really though, I'm just being dramatic. It went totally fine and I haven't even needed a single one of my prescriptions painkillers. The worst part was being able to hear the procedure. There's something...unnerving about listening to someone scraping your bone away.

Still, I think the results are going to look amazing. I love my new, adult-size teeth!

And, yes, they're all icky and brownish right now (even more so since the photo above was taken.) The post-surgery prescription mouthwash I have to take is brutal. It HATES white teeth!

Thursday, August 28, 2014

No Sleep. No Sleep. No Sleep.

*Amerisleep coupon below*

The last several weekends, Sexy Nerd and I have been out of town, getting ideas for our new house at the Colorado Springs Parade of Homes and the Denver Parade of Homes. This meant several nights in hotels, away from our beloved Amerisleep Liberty Bed. We almost always stay at Marriott hotels, which you would expect to be pretty nice, right? WRONG! I mean, they were fine, except for their terrible mattresses.

In Colorado Springs, Sexy Nerd actually texted an entire complaint to Marriott at 3am because our mattress, affectionately referred to as "The Taco", was so uncomfortable. When he came back to bed, he tried to get all snuggly with me, which is 100% THE WORST THING EVER to do to someone with idiopathic insomnia. I had finally just barely fallen asleep and he woke me up. His reason? According to Sexy Nerd, when he laid down on his side of the bed, I rolled over to snuggle with him, so he assumed I was still awake. It was the taco mattress! It flipped me!

This Marriott mattress looks comfy, right? Don't let their "Guest of the Day" robe fool you.

And, not to sound ungrateful for the grand honor that is the "Guest of the Day", but wouldn't you think a room booked for 2 adults would include 2 robes instead of 1? Silly Marriott.

Our mattress in Denver was better (no resemblance to a taco - a very important quality in a mattress.) However, my sleep was interrupted again by the mattress vibrating and shaking around 5am. It was Sexy Nerd. Turns out he always begins his day with a little stretching before getting up. With our Amerisleep memory foam mattress at home, I'd managed to stay blissfully unaware of his morning calisthenics routine because motion isn't transferred.

*Grumble*

Anyhoo, if you're living with someone who thrashes their legs about for absolutely no reason when you're trying to sleep or if your mattress resembles a taco, waterslide, bowl, or anything other than a perfectly flat line, Amerisleep is having a Labor Day sale. Once again, they've offered to throw in an additional $50 off for LambAround readers, on top of their already discounted sale price. Just use coupon code LAMBDAY to save $300 on all Amerisleep mattresses. They're also throwing in free shipping with their weekend promo...kinda important when you're ordering an enormous, heavy mattress!


(And, just in case you're wondering, this is NOT a sponsored blog post. We just really love our Amerisleep mattress!)

Monday, August 25, 2014

FULL OF &%*#%^@* RAGE!!!

My message to the Albuquerque division of police misconduct:

This morning, I was the victim of police misconduct. I was pulled over for the first time in my life, shortly after leaving my home. As I approached the flashing school zone lights of John Baker Elementary on Comanche, officer J. Hunt stepped into the crosswalk. At first, I thought he was assisting the children who were ready to cross the street. He held his hand out for me to stop, which seemed strange because I was very far from the crosswalk, then he motioned for me to drive forward. I was baffled! I moved closer, then stopped to let the children cross, but he motioned me forward again. I approached, confused by what he was doing, as he seemed to be motioning for me to continue through the crosswalk but did not move out of my way. It was creating a very dangerous situation for the crowd of children that had gathered to cross! I rolled down my window and was told to pull over for speeding - quite a shock as he had been motioning to me from before I even entered the school zone! I turned onto the side street he indicated, Chelwood, but stopped halfway because there were several children crossing Chelwood directly in front of my car. He told me several times to pull forward and seemed to be getting upset, but doing as he ordered would of course have meant running over several children! When I parked, he told me I was doing 29 mph in a 15 mph school zone. I pointed out that, no, I was not in the school zone yet and my speed proved this (the usual speed limit is 35 mph, but I was slowing down because I was approaching the school zone.) He said it didn't matter because children were present, so I had to slow down whether I was in the school zone or not. Yes, there were children present - in the school zone! Had there been a child trying to cross the street away from the crosswalk, I would have stopped for them. But there weren't any children present! They were all coming from the Comanche neighborhood toward the crosswalk. I said the entire point of the flashing school zone lights is to mark the beginning of the school zone, and that if he wants it to start sooner, the lights need to be moved and the street marked accordingly. He said many school zones don't have lights, so they can't be used as an indicator of where a school zone is - but this school zone DOES have lights to mark its boundaries! I wanted to know exactly where he had clocked me, as I was not in the school zone, and he simply said he wasn't going to argue with me about whether I was or was not in the school zone. When he took my insurance information, he got upset with me for having expired insurance, which sent me onto the verge of a panic attack because I was sure my insurance was current and I knew I didn't have any other insurance cards. I searched my car anyway, shaking and terrified that my only car was going to be impounded, only to have him say that the card I'd given him actually was current all along. Then, he asked why I was crying. Why was I crying?! Then, he told me it was going to be a $100 ticket and asked if I'd like to pay it now or go to court. There was no sense in arguing with him anymore, so I told him I'd pay it now. I had another question for him and called out, but he ignored me and walked away. When he returned, he told me he hadn't heard me (though he obviously must have if he was apologizing for "not hearing me" without another word from me.) Imagine my surprise when he handed me a ticket marked "I acknowledge my guilt of the offense charged and my options as explained to me by the officer." Nothing was explained to me! Our entire conversation, officer J. Hunt had been as stubborn as a mule. I had made it 100% clear that I did NOT agree with the ticket (I was NOT in the school zone!) Additionally, the location entered on my ticket was "C10MANCHE CHEL", which I think he entered intentionally as he knew he had pulled me over too early (and as I was in the process of slowing down for the school zone, he wouldn't have been able to pull me over at all if he had waited until I entered the school zone.) Comanche and Chelwood was where I was stopped and received the ticket, not where he recorded my speed. He never would admit to me where I was when I was going 29mph. I drive through that same school zone on my way to work every day and am a model citizen. Even the crossing guards will tell you I always drive slowly, stop for the children, and even wave to them. It's a Chevy Volt - they'll remember me. The guard on the westbound side is the same woman as the previous school year. Officer J. Hunt had already pulled over another car before I was even able to leave. It was another young woman, also alone in her car and looking terrified, which makes me wonder if officer J. Hunt targets women.

I would like the video of me "speeding" to be reviewed, as I believe this will prove I had not entered the school zone. It will also show that officer J. Hunt was dishonest when he marked my ticket as acknowledging my guilt, when I made it clear to him that I did not.

Thank you.


Also, I've lived in this same house for 8 years and have driven through that same school zone every school year and have watched dozens of other cars be pulled over but have NEVER received a ticket because I always obey the school zone speed. You always remember one more important thing to add immediately after sending your message, right?

When I returned home that day, after working 8 hours for zero profit (seriously, I could have stayed in bed all day and broken even!!!) there was no sympathy to be found. Here is what Sexy Nerd posted to my Facebook page:


It's a good thing he's so cute. Smart ass.
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